


The Past Can Haunt

by AlexBarton



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 06:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexBarton/pseuds/AlexBarton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaer is an intern working with Darcy and Jane Foster. When she travels to Asgard for Jane and Thor's wedding she meets Loki. What happens between them? And what secret is she hiding?</p><p>Potentially triggering for mentions of self-harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Past Can Haunt

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: First, this is the very first thing that I ever wrote, so I will be updating it.
> 
> Second, I wrote this when I was in a really bad place. As such, I projected a lot more than I usually do. 
> 
> Thirdly, please please please do not read this if you get triggered by self-harm.

I am seeing wonders. When I first started this internship with Dr. Foster, I never realized I would get to visit Asgard. I pinch myself to make sure that I’m not dreaming, but no, there are the graceful lines of alien architecture and soaring towers. I can hardly believe it. Darcy is talking to Fandral and of course Dr. Foster is walking with Thor. I look around as we enter the royal palace and see him. Tall, pale, brooding. I catch my breath and force myself not to stare. As I walk by, I can almost feel the hatred and loathing radiating from him, and I feel his gaze following me. I have seen him before, though not in this form. He used to watch me on earth and sit in the diner where I worked as a waitress while in college. Loki.

Inside the throne room, Odin welcomes us and Frigga gives Dr. Foster, Darcy, and I each a hug. Everyone seems happy for us to be here, yet I notice tension when the Lady Sif glances at Dr. Foster. _Oh. That could be a problem_ , I think to myself. But for now, it’s time to have fun and celebrate Thor and Dr. Foster’s impending marriage; we are escorted to a feast in a hall that could easily fit 5 football fields. We eat and eat and eat, and I get to drink for the first time. Soon after, I start to feel a little lightheaded and dizzy, so I excuse myself, wandering the halls. I end up in a garden overlooking the city and watching the bright lights in the sky. Suddenly I feel him behind me. He spins me around and begins kissing my neck. _You don’t know how long I’ve watched you. You pathetic mortal, how I’ve longed to ravish you_ he spits out. I twist underneath him, trying to get away, but he holds me tightly. I can feel him grow more excited as I struggle and I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I stop moving, tense with fear, and when he pauses to look at me, I sink to the ground, sobbing and curled in a ball. He looks at me with disgust, spits at the ground next to me, and walks away.

I go back to my room and fall asleep, dreaming dark disturbing things. That night, I wake up thirsty. I find my way to the kitchens and meet some of the palace servants. They are much more down-to-earth than the nobility, but I guess that is to be expected. They give me a glass of water, but I don’t want to go back to my room. I don’t want to be alone. So I stay in the kitchens until I fall asleep at the table. One of the servants puts me in a cot in the servants’ quarters. When I wake, I thank them and wish them a good day. They seem surprised that I treat them politely, but so far they are the only people that I can relate to.

I get to my room as Thor, Darcy, and Dr. Foster walk around the corner. _Blaer, where have you been?!_ Dr. Foster asks. _Oh I was just in the kitchens. The people there are really nice, and they tell amazing stories_ I reply. Thor looks confused. _The servants_? he asks. I nod. Thor looks as if he’s about to reply, but Darcy interjects that she wants breakfast, so we go back to the hall and eat. They have much the same kinds of food that we have on earth, but there fruit is subtly sharper, as if it were fresher here. Again, Thor and Dr. Foster go off together, and Darcy goes to the Royal Library, and I am left alone. I am always alone it seems. Walking around the halls, I stumble across the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. Sensing that I have nothing to do, they offer to teach me how to use a sword. We try many types of swords, but in the end the most comfortable fit is a pair of identical short swords, Spatha as Hogun calls them. At first, I train with a hand-and-a-half sword learning basic moves, but as the weeks drag on, I become more and more proficient with my twin Spatha. But then once I think I am getting the hang of things, they make me wear armor. Which starts me at square one again. Finally, Volstagg pronounces that I am trained enough to spar.

My first match is with Sif. I’ve seen her fight before, and I know she is not someone to be trifled with. I swallow nervously. She makes the first move, and then it’s a flurry of swords and metal ringing. And I lose. Quickly. After we spar, she gives me a few pointers and we spend the rest of the daylight practicing. That night, we celebrate my progress. I drink too much yet again, and excuse myself. I find myself wandering the palace halls and discover a set of stairs leading to a high tower that has the most beautiful view from the balcony. I sit with my legs dangling from the stonework. Suddenly he appears next to me. I stiffen and turn to look at him, and I can see he’s been drinking as well.

 _What do you want?_ I ask him. He smirks, _The pleasure of your company_. I roll my eyes. I can feel him looking at me, and I feel a subtle push on my mind. _I am not intoxicated!_ he cries. I turn to him surprised. _You can read my mind?_ I demand. He has the good grace to look embarrassed as he turns away. I swing my legs over the balcony so that my back is to the city. _Well if you know what people are thinking, what they like, why are you so alone all the time? Doesn’t that make it easier to talk to people?_ He turns back to me quickly, his face furious. _You know NOTHING about loneliness_ , he spits at me. I raise an eyebrow and retort, _No I think it’s you that doesn’t know anything…_ I look uncomfortably down at my legs as I feel his scrutinizing gaze. _I’d rather not talk about it, but I can show you._ He raises his eyebrows and comes to stand in front of me. Hesitantly, he raises his hands and puts them on either side of my head, cautioning me with his eyes. I close my eyes and slowly drift back into my past.

I go back into my past. I show him growing up with my family. How I never lacked for anything material, but how I was always alone. I was the oldest of two children, but my younger brother was the favorite child. I show him how I slowly begin to fade into the background How no one pays attention to me. How, no matter what I accomplish, I am still unnoticeable. How I am alone in a crowd, and that no one bothers to see me. How I didn’t have any friends. How I finally got accepted to college, and got my bachelor’s degree in biology. How I finally made some friends in college. How I got the internship with Darcy and Dr. Foster, who didn’t know anything about my past, still don’t know anything. I feel my memories sliding to a darker place, someplace that I keep hidden and that I don’t want him to see. With that, I open my eyes to feel tears on my face and see horror in his eyes.

 _I didn’t know_ , he whispers. _Most people don’t_ , I reply, looking away. When I look back, he is looking down at his hands, thinking about something. I take his hands in mine and he looks at me, still turning something over. Finally, he speaks. _I’d like to show you my past as well_. He takes my hands and places them on his temples and I am pulled into his head. I see all the times where Thor or others tricked him into doing things, made him angry, and the fact that they didn’t care. Yet I couldn’t help but notice that throughout all this, Thor, Odin, and Frigga still cared for him, he just never noticed. Finally, the tour of his brain was over and I slowly felt our minds separating. I ached for him, and I realized how truly lonely he was. He was alone in the midst of a crowd of people as well; but his had been chosen, not forced. He was staring up at the sky, still holding my hands. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He looked surprised at that. I smiled at him and left the tower, heading to my room. What he couldn’t know was that there was more to my story, more that no one could ever know.

Over the next few weeks, I began to spend more time with Loki amid all my sparing, training, and getting ready for the wedding. As I get to know him better, I can’t help but feel attracted to him, despite my better judgment. All thoughts of what happened on the first night on Asgard and the recurring things on earth disappear from my mind. He comes to watch me spar one day, and after my miserable defeat at the hands of Sif, he gives me a few pointers. Finally, the day comes where I beat Fandral in a sparring match. He seems shocked, as is everyone else, but pleased; I have mastered swordsmanship well under their tutelage. That night we celebrate of course. Having learned my lesson about Asgardian alcohol, I limit myself to one cup of mead. I still feel its effects, but I am still in control of myself. Thor finds it amusing to keep teasing me about my alcohol limit, but I am just happy that they are starting to accept me. I notice Loki leaving, so I excuse myself and catch up to him. He looks at me in surprise. _I thought you’d want to celebrate_. I shake my head and take his hand.

We walk around the palace and end up in his room. I kick off my boots and sit on his bed. We spend some time talking, but on impulse, I lean over and kiss him on the lips. When I pull back, his eyes are wide, and suddenly he’s on top of me. I can’t get enough of him and I pull him close. I feel him getting hard as we make out. He slips my shirt off and I take his off as well. His hands are all over me and I keep pulling him closer to me. I shiver with delight as he kisses my neck. Then I feel his hand undoing my pants and slipping in between my legs. I have a flashback and tense up. Suddenly, I’m pushing him away instead of pulling him close. _Loki, stop_. He pulls away, confused. I sit up and hold my head in my hands. He touches my arm. _Are you okay?_ I look up, _I – I don’t know. No, I’m not_. I get out of bed, slip my shirt on, and grab my boots and bra. I look at him, sprawled over the bed, the shock and hurt on his face. _I’m sorry_ , I whisper, and then I run out.

I avoid him for the next few days and pointedly ignore him at meals. I feel bad for shutting him out like this, but I can’t face him after… after that. But the Warriors Three and Sif keep me busy. Among my continual sparring, they have started me on what I call the “warrior workout” which consists of strength, flexibility and agility training. I’ve got flexibility down pretty well, but I am sadly lacking in strength, which is what we start on. Our schedule is as follows: strength training, learning about Asgard, strength training, learning about Asgard, agilities. During the first agilities session, we find that I am pretty nimble, which gives me hope that I might be a pretty good warrior. But, the strength training leaves me especially sore. During my second agilities session, Volstagg has the brilliant idea of footraces and has me race Sif. Fully prepared to lose, I get ready for the race. The signal goes off and I begin sprinting. At the end, I find myself well ahead of Sif. Everyone is shocked, including myself. _Again_ , she hisses. So we race again, and again I win. _Again_ , booms a voice from the balcony above. Odin has been watching. So we set up a third time, and I still beat Sif easily. Odin laughs and proclaims an official banquet for that evening. Sif looks unhappy, but I reach over and offer my hand, _Hey, you’re still the best at sword fighting_. She smiles and shakes my hand, _Yes, and the way you fight, I won’t have to worry about that changing_. I laugh because I know that it’s true; she is truly the best warrior ever.

That night, Odin honors me by bestowing the name “Fleet-foot” upon me. Me being the clueless person that I am, I show up in my customary black jeggings, black boots, and tunic. But no one seems to mind. Sif is the first to congratulate me. _Blaer Fleet-foot, who would’ve thought_ , she jokes. I smile and shake my head. _Not me, that’s for sure_ , I reply. At that moment, the doors burst open with Loki striding angrily through them. _So this is what happens in Asgard. A mortal can belong while_ I _cannot!_ Everyone quickly backs away from him. I rush down the dais, _Loki, I tried to find you_. He snarls, and I stop talking. _How dare you take from me what is mine_ , he spits, fury all over his face. _But I didn’t -_ I try to protest but he cuts me off. _Don’t talk to me peasant._ He laughs harshly. _Well if you’re what Odin wants… at least I was never a spineless rat with nothing and no one_. I step back, flinching visibly, as shock and betrayal flash across my face. Unbidden, tears spring to my eyes. Somehow, I manage to retort, _At least I’m of the same species as everyone else on my planet_. Instantly I regret the words as he steps back like I slapped him. I step towards him with wide eyes, _Loki, I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean_ … but he disappears before I can reach him. Suddenly I am aware that everyone is staring at me. I stagger backwards then turn and run out of the hall.

I run without seeing, eyes blinded by tears, and find myself on the balcony where I showed him my past. I curl up against the stone and wait for the tears, the pain, the searing anger to pass, but it doesn’t. I’ve felt this way before, so alone and shattered. The only thing left to do is break myself further, so I pull out my dagger, roll up my sleeve, and make a quick swipe across my forearm. The pain flares, but with it comes a sense of release, like the anger is seeping away. But then I remember everything all over again, and I attack my arm with a frenzy of tears. Finally, I feel broken enough to curl into a ball and just cry as the pain and loneliness ebbs away. After several hours, I am coherent enough to sit up. I touch my arm gingerly; there are at least a dozen thin red puckered lines that have finally healed over. But I don’t want anyone seeing them, so I pull my sleeve back down over my arm and go to my room to get as much sleep as possible.

The next day, I don’t go to the dining hall, but instead grab something quick to eat from the kitchens. The Warriors Three are off doing something with Thor, so it’s just Sif and me today. We don’t talk about last night, but move straight into sparing, sprinting, and training. Finally, it is time for dinner, and Sif moves to leave, but I just shake my head. _I want to get some time in with the punching bag, and I’m not too hungry_. She looks at me concerned, but ends up leaving anyways. I’m punching and kicking, just all out fighting on the punching bag when I hear a deep voice behind me. _Keep your arms up and think, don’t fight with emotion_. I whirl around. Odin is leaning in the doorway. _I mean what I said. You have good technique, but if you fight with emotion, you will get distracted and you will lose_. I nod and turn back to the punching bag, keeping in mind what Odin said. I let a few punches go and he says, _Much better. I’ve missed teaching someone how to fight_. I turn around. _You mean Thor and Loki?_ He smiles sadly. _Yes, I taught both my sons how to fight_. I look at the ground. _About yesterday, I’m really sorry Lord Odin. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble or anything._ He puts a hand on my shoulder. _It was not the best thing that could have happened, but I am sorry as well. Loki behaved in a very ungracious manner and what he said was uncalled for._ I look up as he walks out of the room.

I’m still not hungry, so I sit in the hallway near Loki’s room with a book, trying to catch him. No one comes, but after a while I hear faint footsteps as Frigga rounds the corner. I realize that the book has been sitting in my lap, and that I have been staring off into space. Frigga sits beside me in the alcove and I make room for her. We sit in silence for a few minutes then she begins. _I know that things seem wrong now, but they will work out_. I nod. My time sitting in the alcove has let me think and I’ve come to a conclusion. _My Lady, I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ve thought it over, and I have plenty of time to go back and work things out on earth before the wedding. And after that, I’ll be gone forever._ Frigga seems saddened by this but nods. _Just make sure that is what you truly want_. She kisses me on the cheek and leaves. I realize that I want to tell Loki, so he can be unburdened.

I make my way down to the empty kitchen and find ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. Soon the kitchen smells like vanilla and gooey chocolate, and the cookies are done. I leave a plate on the table for everyone to enjoy and take another plate to Loki’s room. Outside his door, I hesitate, but pluck up my courage and knock on the door. No answer. I knock again. This time he answers. _What do you want?_ I hold out the plate of cookies. _I just came to tell you that I’m leaving tomorrow and that I’m so terribly sorry for hurting you. And that you will never have to see me again after the wedding_. His expression changes, but I’m not sure what it is. He takes the cookies, but as I stretch out my arm to hand him the plate, my sleeve lifts away from my arm revealing the cuts. His breath catches. _What is this?_ I yank my arm back, but he is too fast and he snatches my wrist, holding me vise-like. _Did you do this?_ I just look at the ground. _Why?!_ I feel the pressure of his mind as he finds what he’s searching for. _For me? You did this because of me?_ I keep my gazed fixed on the floor. He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. _Why?!_ I finally look up. _Because it’s the only way to get rid of the pain_ , I whisper. Horror fills his eyes. _No, no, no, no, no_. He lets go of me and I step back. I can feel the tears welling up again, and I turn and run just as Thor rounds the corner with Jane. I can hear them calling my name, but I don’t stop.

I run straight out of the palace towards the Bifrost. I stand on the rainbow bridge, chest heaving, tears streaming down my face. I can’t take it anymore, the loneliness, the secrets, Loki. I want nothing more to do with him or Asgard, so I start taking off the jewelry he’s given me and chucking it off the side of the Bifrost. When I get to the necklace of his symbol, I collapse and curl up, still clutching the broken chain that I ripped off my neck. I hear footsteps, but ignore them until I feel his arm go around me, pulling me away from the edge of the bridge. I look up and see the panic in his eyes. I take his hands and place them on my temples and whisper, _I have to show you something else about my past_. We are transported to a few years before college when I began cutting myself. Multiple times. I show Loki the feelings of being broken, helpless, and unloved, and how I almost killed myself. And how I was afraid to let anyone in. I open my eyes to see pure fury on his face. And then blackness.

I drift in and out of consciousness enough to feel him carrying me. I am restless; I know this much, and only his touch can calm me. Through a haze, I can hear him talking to Frigga. _I never realized how broken she was_. Frigga brushes my hair from my face, _We often do not know what others suffer. Let her rest, her mind must cope with the trauma. But why are you so concerned Loki?_ He removes his hand from my shoulder. After a pause he replies, _I love her_. I can sense Frigga’s smile, _Was that so hard to admit_? Perhaps it was just a dream though, and I sink back into darkness. I wake screaming. He is sitting in a chair next to my bed with a book in his hand. He vaults out of the chair, and wraps his arms around me. I cry into his shoulder until sleep takes me again. Finally, I wake up normally. Loki is asleep in the chair, the book open in his lap. I slip out of bed, put the book on the table next to him, and cover him with a blanket. Then I kiss him on the cheek and slip out of the room. I go to my room first, shower, and then slip into below-the-knee leggings and a forest green tunic. I walk back out to the rainbow bridge and sit with my legs dangling into space.

After some time, I hear footsteps and look up to see him approaching. He sits down. _Don’t scare me like that_ , he says, _I panicked when I woke up and saw you were gone_. I laugh and lean into his shoulder, _Sorry I wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a bit_. We sit in silence for a while, then we stand up and head back to his room when I mention that my feet are getting cold. When he shuts the door, I realize how alive I feel. I want him. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want him right now, and I tell him that. He closes the space between us quickly, and then our hands are all over each other, taking clothes off. We tumble onto his bed, and then he suddenly stops. _Are you sure you’re ready?_ he asks. I hesitate. _It’s just that, I do want you, but I always wanted to wait until marriage_. He gets off me and walks over to a compartment in the wall, _If that’s what you want_ , and comes back with a simple golden ring adorned with a small emerald. _Odin gave one each to me and Thor to give to our betrothed. He told us that we could consort with anyone but the one whom we gave the ring to was our true love and our wife unto the end of ages._ I am shocked, _Loki are you proposing to me_? He blinks once, and then gets down on one knee _. Yes I suppose I am. Blaer, I have never felt this way before. I knew not what it was until you were ill. But now I realize that I love you, truly. You brighten my life, which was once a never ending night. You saved me, protected me, and most wondrous of all, you loved me. You bring joy and sunshine to my life. Would you do me the honor of becoming my bride?_ I am speechless, so I just nod. He slips the ring on my finger and stands up. I fling my arms around him and kiss him with more force than usual. He rests his forehead on mine, and I can feel the heat returning. But my stomach has other plans. It growls extremely loud, which amuses Loki to no end. He insists that we go to the kitchens and get something to eat.

As we walk, I find out that I've been sleeping for almost three days. It’s hard to wrap my head around that much time gone. But Loki is holding my hand, so everything is alright. I keep looking at him and smiling. I’ve made him keep his armor off, so we match; he’s in his black leather pants and a green shirt. It suits him, if I do say so myself. When we reach the kitchens, everyone is gone, so I just make myself a chicken and cheddar panini. But I'm really craving something sweet, so I make rice krispies, chocolate chip cookies, and apple pie. Thor and Jane pop in while the cookies are baking. Thor demolishes two pans of rice krispies by himself. They leave after a few minutes; they just came to see what smelled so good. After I take the cookies out and put the pie in, I go up to Loki leaning against the counter, hold his hand, and snuggle up to him. I’m just about to kiss him when Frigga and Odin walk in. I jump back guiltily, but Loki is still holding my hand, which both of them notice. I offer them some cookies and, when the pie is done, a slice of pie. They love it, and I can tell Frigga notices the new ring on my finger. She smiles approvingly at me. Meanwhile, Odin is curious as how I learned to cook. _Oh I took a cooking class in college, and my best friend’s dad taught me some as well_ , I reply with a shrug. He nods, _Well you are extraordinary_. I blush and thank him. He and Frigga rise, and retire to their beds.

After Loki and I finish up, we head back to his room. The night is still young, so we decide to finish what we started earlier. After we are done, he holds me tenderly in his arms. _Why, after all I did to you, after you had seen the monster I truly am, why would you freely choose to stay with me by my side_? he asks. I snuggle closer before replying. _Because I also saw the good_. He buries his face in my hair and whispers, _I do not deserve you._ I shake my head, _No, we are exactly what the other needs_. He smiles into my hair and we drift off to sleep intertwined. At dawn, I wake up as he extracts himself from me. _Where are you going_? I whisper groggily. He smiles as he dresses, _I am going to ask Odin to grant me your hand in marriage_. I must look confused because he elaborates, _It is customary._ I roll my eyes, _Well I would marry you regardless of his opinion_. Loki laughs and kisses me on the forehead before leaving the room. I shower and dress, and by then Loki is back. _He approved!_ Loki is practically glowing; he is the happiest I’ve seen him, excepting when he proposed of course. I kiss him and say, _Of course, did you think he would refuse you_? He laughs and wraps his arms around me.

A few months later we are married and I am utterly happy. It seems that there might be another wedding on the way, besides Thor’s and Jane’s; Darcy and Fandral have been spending some time together, but who knows. All I know is that I have my piece of heaven, and he is the most wonderful man in the world. Loki.

**Author's Note:**

> The End.


End file.
